cynth (cynthtastic) wrote,

  • Mood:

An open letter to my friends and family.

To whom it may concern:

I love you all, but I don't need to be defended. Thank you for your support, but enough. I've said things to you in private or even here, under filters and locks. Things I didn't necessarily want repeated and certainly not used as weapons. Please stop.

I know you mean well. I know you're angry on my behalf. I know you have the right to say and do as you please. I'm just asking, as a friend, that you think about your words. They're really taking a toll on me. I'm sick with guilt and fear and sadness. I'd stopped feeling those things, and it felt good. I don't like confrontation; it makes me very nervous. Writing this makes me very nervous.

I said something I shouldn't have said. I thought it would be funny. Silly. Ridiculous. I thought it would make only me look like a fool. Honestly and truly, that's all I thought. I didn't think enough, which isn't a fault I normally have, as you well know. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since or feeling guilty about it. I'm sorry for what I wrote. It was just stupid. I didn't know how it would be received. I stupidly thought it would actually provide some levity, not all this tension.

But I think I'm sorriest for the things I didn't write, and I'm afraid your anger and your conclusions will be confused for mine. I love you all, but everyone, please know this: no one speaks for me but me. If you want to know what I think or feel, all you ever need to do is ask.

I wanted to stay out of this, but you've all kind of pulled me into it. Please, if you feel you must say something, say it, but leave my name out of it. Please. I'm not the type of person whose hurt goes away by hurting others. It only makes me feel worse, even when I try to be mean. Don't be mean for me, even if you think someone else has been mean to me. Two negatives only make a positive when you're multiplying. No one wishes life were more like math than I! It's not.

Again, I love you, and I love that you support me through everything. I'm blessed to have loving, supportive friends and family, and I thank God for you often. I may no longer know the person you're attacking, but she was once my greatest supporter, my strongest ally, and the best friend I have ever had. It's important not to forget that. I still hope someday we can put all this behind us and be friends again. Let's not say hasty things to jeopardize that. We're still part of each other's lives, if only in so much as we share the beautiful boys pictured. Civility and maturity are important, primarily from me, but also from you all.

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