cynth (cynthtastic) wrote,

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There's a general air of pessimism permeating my entire existence right now. Maybe it's this contemptible cold. Sorry I haven't been around here much; I'm just sick to death of myself, and I didn't want to see anything I had to say in writing.

In any case, I've had a pessimistic epiphany I thought I might as well share. When she left, Crash assured me there wasn't someone else, and I believed it then. I took solace in it. When other people asked me, "Was it someone else?" they were so glad to find out it wasn't. But why?

It's arrogant to assume there's no one better than one's self in the whole of the universe. To be told, "I've found someone better," only marks a small and predictable failing. Can you ever really believe you are the be-all and end-all, even in just one person's estimation? Further, why should it be so soul-crushing to be told you're not? The whole of your value should never rest upon your importance -- the significance you hold -- for any solitary individual. That's foolishness.

When someone leaves you for no one, without something else in the works, they're not telling you someone is better than you are; they're telling you that you aren't better than nothing. I'd rather be single than be with you. If I have to choose between the security of the sure-thing that is you and some unknown fresh hell that may or may not be waiting out there in the ether for me, I'm going with that terrifying uncertainty. Ouch. Isn't that really worse? Like, a lot worse?

As I get older, more jaded, more cynical, I approach the prospect of loneliness and coupling from this same angle. How thoroughly depressing to think that my next date (and I must have at least one more bad date before I die -- I'm 25) may just be someone who was there. Maybe I won't have an excuse or anything better to do, so I'll just say, "Eh, why not?"

I'm a simple person with simple tastes. It takes very little to make and keep me happy; I'm sure there are a multitude of people with whom I could live quite happily and successfully in perpetuity. Is that enough? Is that all there is to it, just waiting for the next one who's willing to accept my terms? I'm not sure I believe in love. I'm not sure there's someone who will always make my heart beat faster and take my breath away. Moments of that, sure. Months -- even years -- of that. But a lifetime of that? I don't think it exists.

A friend and I were discussing how age affects your take on dating and how someday we could each see ourselves shifting focus from love to companionship for the purpose of settling down before it's too late. That day, it will come down to who is better than nothing and what friend is good enough to spend a lifetime with, as opposed to who is the love of my life and my soulmate. It's a simultaneously comforting and depressing reality. Maybe the myth is unattainable, but at least there may be an option other than dying alone, and dying with a good friend doesn't sound so bad.

We also discussed arranged marriages and how they can actually work out. Maybe love is something cultivated and created, instead of something cosmic and discovered. Maybe all I really need to be happy is to be slightly better than nothing in someone else's estimation.


Or maybe it's just this cold and the weather. ;) You decide.
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