cynth (cynthtastic) wrote,

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I can't seem to stop myself from consuming too much. I don't know what this says about me, and I really don't mean to have a Dave Matthews moment or anything.

Too much stress.

Too much food.

Too much alcohol.

This is me all of a sudden. The only thing I'm not getting too much of (but that I'm spending too much time trying to get) is sleep, and that's only because I can't freakin' sleep ever, anyway -- I just lie around for hours and hours.

It also seems like the only emotions I can have are disgust, exhaustion, irritation, and just that general malaise that goes with that palsied look where you pull in one corner of your mouth and which is best illustrated by this emoticon:


Lately, all I am is aggravated or frustrated or just blank. I feel nothing if it's not an eye-rolling distaste for what's being said at any moment or whomever is saying it. I know I have problems with distrust, arrogance, and general doubt about the veracity of anything anyone else has to say, but these problems are usually very variable and subtle; they typically only bother me. Now I'm just this big ball of challenge -- I'm the embodiment of "nu-uh!" and the teeth-sucking sound that accompanies every teen angst eye roll.

I'm driving even myself crazy, and lately, I'm my biggest fan!

That's another thing. Now that I've fallen out of craziness, I feel like I'm proving my crazy thoughts/feelings right. What does THAT say?!

I'm not a huge fan of the gray (grey?) area, as any of you who know me know. I think it's too elusive (or even illusive, if you will), too fuzzy, too inconcrete (one online dictionary says it's a word, another doesn't; spell check hates it, and I can't decide if it should have a hyphen -- you get the idea, though). For this reason (among others), I spent a good portion of my life choosing between extremes. Dubious that I ever could attain the in-betweens, I determined which end of the spectrum I hated most and strove for the other end. We're talking FAR ends here!

I hate arrogance, so I always was self-deprecating. Now that I'm not so self-deprecating, I'm arrogant. I'm arrogant as hell! I think I'm right ALL the time. If I had any objectivity whatsoever, I would HATE me.

My only comfort now (of course) is my own theory on recovery from anything, which I refer to as the pendulum theory. You see, I think when you're getting over something or changing in any way, you behave like a pendulum that has gotten stuck in one of its extreme positions (and this is why the grey/gray area is elusive).

The first step in getting over something is getting your pendulum unstuck. Since you're stuck at the far end on one extreme or the other, your pendulum begins to swing as soon as it's unstuck, and you go very nearly to the other extreme. In effect, you become almost the polar opposite of what you were when you were trying (but unable) to change.

Thereafter, you swing (like a pendulum) between the extremes, losing momentum, until hopefully you settle somewhere in the middle. Any extra impetus compelling you to either extreme in the early stages of recovery easily get you stuck on one end or the other of your pendulum's path.

Hey, thanks for reading all that. I'm no one, after all, so my theories are all kinda crap. :) They're based solely on my personal experience, and I've only been around for 22 years.

Anyway, the only comfort I can take through all this stupid, recent drama in my head is that maybe it's a step in not being screwed up. The problem there is that I thought I was done being screwed up at all a while ago. Stupid, elusive gray/grey area!

In the end, I think this is all the fault of moving. [That's not my "pendulum" moving or whatever. I mean me actually moving myself and all my crap from point A (Pittsburgh) to point B (Westville, NJ.)] I hate moving more than anything! Even though I don't feel all that stressed at the continued failure of this whole process, I'm sure it's eating away at the back of my mind like 6 molar hydrochloric acid consuming a sponge. Stupid moving!



And, on that note, have a lovely evening. It's time for me to drink some more and pretend to sleep.
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