cynth (cynthtastic) wrote,

  • Mood:

I want a do-over

I love going to my hometown to visit and catch up. I'm so proud of all my high school friends and their accomplishments. A couple are getting master's degrees next year in fields they really love. Some are already working in fields they really love. Some took it slow and went to college later or took a semester off; now they're focused and thriving. I love to hear how they're doing, but I hate when they ask me what I'm up to, what I've been doing.

I feel like I wasted all my drive and ambition on high school. My goals were short-sighted. I still have no career plan. In short, I wasted college. All I have to show from my higher education is insurmountable debt and a piece of paper I can't even find.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I'm not a dumb person. I'm a lazy person, but can that be why I ended up working part-time, in a field that both doesn't interest me and has nothing to do with my degree, for the same wage I made at age 16? Something is wrong here.

In high school, my superlative was "Most Likely to Succeed." Why didn't I aspire to success? Why didn't I research a field in which I would want to succeed? Why was I content to rest on my laurels and strive for scholastic achievement at the exclusion of all else? Why, in college, did I lose even that ambition?

I jumped from major to major, ultimately settling on the one that didn't challenge me in the slightest. I cut every corner I could, and I graduated with an abysmal 3.19 GPA, though my GPA within my major was certainly much higher.

I guess, if there's a point, it's to ask if this is it. I think there's a very strong and depressing chance that I will never again passionately pursue any practical goal, and I don't know what to do about it.

Cut tagged, so you don't have to read it. Comments disallowed because I'm not trying to garner your sympathy. I just felt like writing all this down to straighten out my head. Or something.
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